The 2004 VMAs sucked
Apparently the producers of the 2004 MTV Video Music Awards don't understand the whole awards show formula. You basically invite all of the biggest stars, hand out a bunch of awards and have a bunch of really great live performances. That's it. Pretty simple. And most people are used to having it work that way.

Well, this year, MTV decided to turn that formula on its head by inviting mostly MTV-affiliated stars (Ashlee Simpson, Jessica Simpson, P-Diddy, etc.), handing out all of the interesting awards (Breakthrough, Direction, etc.) before the show and having a bunch of uninspired medley-type performances with either two or three bands performing in succession or having guest stars in the single artist performances.

It really seemed like the focus was totally on the hype and production of the show itself, but not on the content. Here are some of the lowlights:

1. Stars arrived on boats -- This may be the dumbest thing I've ever seen on TV (and I've seen a lot of dumb TV). John Norris, dressed in wardrobe from an all-gay "Miami Vice" movie that apparently never got made, would greet the stars as they exited their rented yachts. In addition to the other stale questions like "What do you think of Miami?" (which the answer almost always included the word "sexy") or "Have you ever arrived at an awards show in a boat?", Norris would invariably ask the stars to comment on the boat. What?! It's a rented boat, John. That's the equivalent of going to the Oscars and asking the stars about the limo they arrived in. Who cares?!

2. Hinting at outrageous surprises (that never came) -- OK, there is nothing more desperate than constantly asking the stars arriving on the red carpet who they want to see ("Hilary Duff, who are you most excited to see tonight?") and then following up their answer with "I don't want to give too much away, but _____ has a few surprises in their performance tonight."

Of all of the performances, the only one that delivered on the hype was Alicia Keys. She performed "If I Ain't Got You" with Stevie Wonder accompanying on harmonica, then she and Stevie were joined by Lenny Kravitz (see point #3 below for more on this) for a great rendition of Stevie's "Higher Ground." Unfortunately, the audience was so young that I doubt any of them even remember the Red Hot Chili Peppers' cover of "Higher Ground" from 1989 much less the original.

The thing that makes a performance from the past (like Madonna's "Like a Virgin" performance) so memorable is that they were more spontaneous (i.e. they didn't do 10 promos before the show saying that Madonna was going to gyrate on the floor and flash the camera). You can't create a memorable performance by saying things like "You just witnessed history! Give it up for Stevie Wonder!"

3. Product placement was ridiculously obvious -- I understand that stars and companies use these shows to promote their projects and products; however, I prefer that kind of thing to be out in the open. For example, LL Cool J did the now-cliche promotion of his album during his scripted remarks as a presenter (complete with girls wearing t-shirts that had video screens on the front that were showing LL's new video). That's fine.

However, what I object to was the more subliminal promotions that took place. During Jessica Simpson's performance, the faux audience (all of the people in the middle of the arena were somehow involved in the show; they often held up signs with the winner's names or faces on them) held up their mobile phones and illuminated the screens like lighters. Problem is that they were all holding up the same model phone. And, that same phone maker ran commercials throughout the show.

Also, as I mentioned in point #2 above, Lenny Kravitz was featured on the show twice (once as a performer and once as a presenter). Coincidentally, last night was the official launch of the Gap's new "How do you wear it?" ad campaign that features Sara Jessica Parker and... Lenny Kravitz (ta da!).

4. Used sorry MTV "personalities" as the faux host -- Sway (the mush-mouthed Stewart Scott of MTV), Gideon Yago (the droller-than-Kurt-Loder, ironically non-ironic bore) and Suchin Pak (the chipper over-enunciator) should go back to their college internships. Those three are just painful to watch. Plus, when you place any of them next to elders Kurt Loder and John Norris, the whole thing just looks ridiculous.

5. Beat everyone over the head with reminder to vote -- When they weren't reminding you that Ashlee Simpson's performance was brought to you by Pepsi, MTV was lecturing everyone to vote. The low point in all of the political promotion was when they brought out the daughters of the Kerry and Bush. Regardless of which pair was speaking, half the crowd was booing. Even Carson Daly, who mixed the MTV Kool-Aid for years, made a snide comment about how much that segment sucked.

The show concluded with a performance from Outkast during which the faux audience waved political signs urging people to vote (in case we missed the message earlier).

Next year, please just pay Dave Chappelle a couple of million dollars and let him produce and host the whole thing. At least then the show would be intentionally funny.